Things That Must Go: $20 Donated to NieNie in your name

I’m sure you’ve heard of Stephanie and Christian Nielson’s accident and the blogging community’s efforts on their behalf. I confess I feel stupid talking about someone I don’t know. Even if she is Mormon, and a blogger, and probably (hopefully) hopped up on enough good drugs that even if she heard I was trying to capitalize on her personal tragedy help by holding a (meager) giveaway in her name, she wouldn’t care (or she would, but in a good way, you know, because she seems like a genuinely good person).

I thought about donating my BlogHerAds revenue, and then I thought — Why the heck am I so stingy? So — leave a comment with your Things That Must Go, and I’ll donate $20 to NieNie. You can also learn more about what’s already been done and read about the recovery process.

Two fund-raising efforts that I’m excited to submit my own creations to are the Great NieNie Cookie Sale (I’ll be making Homemade Oreos) and The Blog Book (I’m searching a bit desperately for a funny post in my archives). I encourage you to join in those efforts, if you have any interest at all in cookies or blogging, and really, who doesn’t love those two things?

Here’s my Things That Must Go: Back-to-School Edition

Hustling for business at the school Skate Night. I took the girls to Sally’s school last night, where the parking lot had been cleared for skating, biking, and loud cheesy music.

As I sat on the grass eating a cold hamburger, I noticed a cute teenage girl and her mother, who looked like a Miss Utah handler.

The daughter took a flier from her mother, approached a group of elementary-age girls, and launched into a cheerful sales patter about Mini Drill Team Camps held at the High School on Saturdays.

For your registration fee, you get a free t-shirt, and personal instruction, and there are so many girls who wait in long lines to get in, but you can register early, and you’ll make so many friends and the girls who go there are so cool and pretty and you’ll be so popular.

Just remember to show your mother the flier as soon as you can, and tell her how much you want to be JUST LIKE ME when you grow up.

Now it’s your turn — what things must go? (oh. Deadline? Hmm, well, to be honest, I’ll donate the $20 bucks even if no one comments, but I sure would like to hear your things that must go. To be eligible to have the donation made in your name, comment before Monday night, okay?)

I know it’s been a long time since the iTunes Things That Must Go, but here are a few great entries from last month:

Stacey @ Happy Are We As for my 2cents, I think this whole idea of tv signals going digital has got to go! Why must *everything* be upgraded in the name of progress? (Seriously. I thought this was a joke when I first heard about it. We’re perfectly happy with our bunny ears, over here. As long as we’ve got hulu.com, too).

Beth The inability to find ANYTHING in Home Depot including a sales person. The place is huge and all I want is a light switch plate (and some nobs) and it’s like going on the ultimate scavenger hunt. Every sales associate points you in a different direction and secretly I don’t think ANY of them know where anything is. (My problem is I usually have no idea what to call the super-important-thingie I need).

and the winner: Tiffany The clothes the creepy guy wears.

He roams aimlessly around our house, going through our junk mail in the mailbox, looking in the windows of our (locked) cars, and not replying when I say hi. He has worn the same grey shirt, jeans, and dirty sneakers since we moved in. I hear that he lives next door but his wife won’t let him in b/c he “lost it” mentally and is basically homeless now. I feel sorry for the old unshaven alcoholic-man, but his clothes have GOT to go.

His wife should throw his clothes out on the lawn to him or something. Maybe they only do that on movies and commercials when there’s a balcony though.

(I’ve got your email address, Tiffany, so I’ll send that iTunes card right over. Might I suggest Ingrid Michaelson’s new song “Be Okay.” Great!)

TTMG: iTunes giveaway and a novel winner

So, I was right: people want underwear more than books. Though some mothers don’t have time to read, not one person said they didn’t need new underwear because their kids keep them too busy to shower.

I’m not sure what this means besides grooming being a bigger priority than reading, but I do think John Edwards could’ve learned something from y’all: if he’d only concentrated on wearing underwear at all times instead of reading one too many steamy Harlequin American Political Romances, he might still be on Obama’s VP list.

This week I’m offering a $10 iTunes giftcard to the winner of Things That Must Go. I know ten bucks isn’t much, but I’ve already blown this week’s ad revenue on a Happy Meal for the kids. Plus, iTunes is cool, right? I only ask that you download Lenka’s The Show with part of your winnings. Just kidding. Leaving a comment with your Things That Must Go is the only thing you have to do. Well, really you only have to pay taxes and die. Or go to jail and die, or get signed up as a Conscientious Tax Objector and die. Leaving a comment is sounding better and better, huh?

But first, here’s the winner of the Nora Roberts/Joan Wickersham book giveaway (email me your address and which book you’d like!):

Scarehaircare: Skimpy bikinis. If you are stupid enough to wear them, I am not going to stop my daughter when she points and says loudly “Mom, look at that!” because she sees your bum before you can pull your bikini bottom back up after coming down the water slide. (The same thing goes for jeans that are too low to sit in properly.) I am all for allowing the children to say what we cannot, in all politeness, say.

And two Honorable Mentions, which were in no way influenced by nepotism:

Grampa: One other thing that has to go are popsicle bags that can’t be opened without a lethal weapon (knife, scissors). No clever use of fingernails, teeth, or brute stength can open them. They don’t even leak when the popsickle melts; the sticks float, and the “soup” tastes like Kool-Aid. Such bags have spread to candy bars, cookies, and crackers. Away with such unopenable bags. Yes.

Tom Johnson: -Dryers that sounds like German army tanks.
-Feelings of inadequacy for not keeping your kids 100% reverent during church.
-Leaving your real glasses in the car and instead wearing sunglasses all day and evening in the house, looking like a retard. :) Do I make fun of how you look in your clip-on sunglasses? 🙂
-People who think hacking someone’s site and bringing it down is funny.
-Loud, angry voices in any context — at home, church, in the car. (Well, if you’re driving alone it’s okay.)
-Floam. Sounds like a cool idea, until it’s time to clean it up.

And here are my Things That Must Go for this week:

1. To the Nice Man at the Gym: I know it seems strange that I’ve ventured into your territory of pulleys and benchpresses; I don’t like it any more than you do. But I hope we can learn to share this maze of equipment, which is why I’m asking you to please stop grunting. Please stop grunting. Please. I realize you’re lifting five thousand pounds and sweating and bursting at your muscle seams, but I cannot count to fifteen when you are grunting, grunting, grunting. What’s that? You didn’t catch that? You can’t hear anything, much less your own grunting, because you are listening to Coldplay on your iPod? Well, at least you have good taste in music. Just. Please stop grunting.

2. Fax machines. The Chinese gave us gunpowder and fireworks and smoggy Olympics. I’m sure we could pin the fax machine on them too. Seriously. Why can’t we just email and scan and email some more? Is it just me or are fax machines about as modern as a horse and buggy?

Now it’s your turn: what’s buggin’ this week? iTunes giveaway deadline is midnight Saturday.

Things That Must Go: Nora Roberts/Joan Wickersham Giveaway

Hey! Glad to see you back here for Things That Must Go. Somehow I think nothing will ever compare to the great underwear giveaway of 2008, but that’s okay. I have a couple of things I need to get off my chest (no, not those things, though frankly I didn’t like them even before they went saggy), and that’s good enough for me.

This week I’m offering your choice of Nora Robert’s latest, Tribute, or Joan Wickersham’s The Suicide Index. Tribute isn’t Nora’s best (that would be Birthright or Heaven and Earth or Hidden Treasures), but it’s entertaining: a perfect beach book. I reviewed The Suicide Index yesterday. Not a beach book, unless you’re on the thorny Oregon coast, but very worth your while.

To enter the contest, simply leave a comment with your Things That Must Go before midnight Wednesday night. Here are mine:

Things That Must Go

1. Excessive Emotion. I’m wondering if the lower hormonal levels of menopause bring with them fewer emotional storms. If so, it might be worth the risk of osteoporosis and breast cancer. Or maybe not. Sometimes I understand the appeal of being comfortably numb. I hate feeling guilty, sad, ashamed, selfish, etc. Cheerful, I know.

2. Vehicle Repair Bills. I am being suitably punished for risking the second commandment when it comes to my minivan. The other day I found the passenger-side window halfway down. I never roll down my windows, even when it is a million degrees. That’s what automatic sliding doors are for. By the time everyone is strapped in, most of the trapped air has been replaced by fresher air. So when my window fell into the door completely and didn’t respond to the up/down button, driving around was torture. Stinky, loud, hot torture. I know, there are people in the world who would love to be tortured like that, but it was still bad.

Then the Honda people told me that not only was my “regulator” kaput but my “front engine block mount thingie” was shot too. 724 dollars and one laptop fund later, the object of my affection is all better. Please do not write and tell me that I could have driven around with a broken “front engine block mount thingie” for years without a problem. I don’t think I could handle the emotional fallout of such a revelation.


It’s not to late to vote for your favorite in the Hane’s Giveaway Things That Must Go. I’m gonna announce the winners of the LLBean Tote Bag and the $50 Hane’s prize soon.

Things That Must Go: In Support of Democracy and Progress, and the Land of the Free Giveaway!

Wow. Remind me not to hook up to the Bloggy Giveaways Carnival next quarter. Unless a few more of you fine giveaway hoppers actually subscribe to my feed (or by email), and agree to bear a fourth child for me.

Because there were 661 entries, I decided to do a poll and let you pick the winner. Unfortunately, I had to disqualify anyone who mentioned high gas prices, George Bush, and/or the fact that I should be playing the Glad Game instead. Not that I disagree (necessarily), but those are just a bit . . . obvious.

If you left a cool TTMG that was unfairly ommitted from this poll due to my random ability to read multiple comments (which I’m not used to, unlike some people), leave a comment and I’ll see about giving your TTMG another shot. Your write-in vote counts!

In the Running (scroll down for the poll box)

1) Alisha @ Party of Five: Spongebob Squarepants. Sorry to all you SBSP fans but the little yellow man is crude and obnoxious. I have no idea how my four-year old even knows about him. . . .the episodes I have seen I CAN’T stand. . . . Cartoon Network, you must go. FAREWELL! . . . (YES! YES! FINALLY! Someone else who doesn’t get why it’s so cool to like the pesky porifera. Down with Spongebob!).

2) LivingforGod: Things that must go include pride, selfishness, rebellion against God, using God’s name in vain, provocative/immodest clothing, and asbestos in old homes. (I’m not so sure about the first five, but definitely that asbestos MUST GO).

3) Tabby: My “Mommy Wings” must go. My son went to scout camp last week and as I was waving goodbye I could feel (and I swear I could hear too) my upper arm flab waving back and forth more than my hand.

Cold sores also must go. Especially since my husband thinks it’s just terribly funny to announce to the entire grocery aisle that “the cream I need for my lip herpes is really expensive.” Thankfully (for him) I’ve decided that he doesn’t need to go! (At least he is anatomically specific).

4) Megan: Having to do the dishes…maybe hubby can help every once in a while??? (Not terribly original, I agree, but just this morning Grampa sent an email about a bumper sticker he saw: No husband has ever been shot washing the dishes. It’s the little things, people.

5) Anna @ The View from My Shoes: The people who say that we have too many kids (really we don’t…just four so far) MUST GO! When they are ignorant enough to say that I always ask which child they would like me to get rid of. That usually shuts them up. (Although sometimes rejoinders like this can proceed from the impulse of the moment, often they are the result of previous study. ($10 iTunes card for the first person to name that movie, not including my sister.)

[poll id=”3″]

Thanks for playing along! Poll closes Sunday at midnight, at which time I’ll announce the winner of the Hanes $50 gift card.

This coming weekend’s Things That Must Go giveaway features your choice of books: Nora Robert’s latest, Tribute, or Joan Wickersham’s The Suicide Index: Putting my father’s Death in Order. Basically you can choose escapist romance or romantic/tragic escape. Come back on Saturday to share some more Things That Must Go!

In which we will never use any baking powder except Rollings Reliable: a GIVEAWAY

I got excited when a certain diaper company asked if I wanted to do a giveaway of a “pack of Luvs diapers featuring Bear Hug Stretch and a DVD of Anita Renfroe – a $30 value,” even after I read that the (obviously jaded) Mom-101 wasn’t over-impressed by the pitch.

What can I say? I LOVE disposable diapers. There’s nothing better than a new pack of diapers. It’s like a baby trinity of comfort, technology, and convenience. Even worse, I love to wrap a stinky diaper in a PLASTIC grocery sack and throw that in a PLASTIC trash bag and throw that in a landfill. Will future generations want to flog me? Probably. Will that EVER decompose? Who knows. Future generations probably won’t even know.

Have you heard of Anita Renfroe? Yeah, uh, me too. On YouTube, you can see Anita do her William Tell “Mom-sense.” Even better is her Dad-sense piece:

Of course, we don’t want to fall into the Berenstain Bears trap of devaluing fatherhood, but this is too funny!

So it is with a light heart that I offer you the chance to win a pack of diapers and a DVD of Anita doing her Mom-Comedy thing. And I’m offering it on the weekend (when my traffic is lower), so if no one enters, I’m pretty sure I get to keep it myself.

I will say that, besides always using Rollings Reliable Baking Powder in my house of dreams, I have often bought Luvs diapers and I like them because a) they’re better than generic, b) they’re cheaper than Pampers and Huggies, and c) unlike those evil Sam’s Club brand diapers, they don’t give my kids hiney hives.

things that must goTo enter: leave a comment about Things That Must Go. I’ll give you two examples from my quick run to Blockbuster just now.

Things That Must Go

1) Clerks, especially female clerks, calling me Ma’am and telling me to have a nice evening. Do I LOOK thirty-five?

2) Grillz candy. When we lived in Florida, our next door neighbor had a gold tooth with the letter P carved in it. He carried around a brown paper sack that he drank from starting at 10 am. Turns out he didn’t actually live there, he just distributed drugs, which we learned after shots were fired into our house one day.

We never saw him again and later Eddie moved in. Eddie was a nice guy, and also not a drug dealer. Call me crazy, but I don’t think my kids need to mainline sugar while wearing tin-foil partial dentures.

—-

Enter as many times as you like, one comment per entry. (Even if you no longer need diapers at your house, they make a great baby shower gift). Deadline is Sunday night at 10 pm. I’ll pick a winner and get those diapers and a DVD to you asap. Whether you win or not, check out luvs.com on June 25th to get a special $5 off coupon. Have a great weekend!


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