So, I was right: people want underwear more than books. Though some mothers don’t have time to read, not one person said they didn’t need new underwear because their kids keep them too busy to shower.
I’m not sure what this means besides grooming being a bigger priority than reading, but I do think John Edwards could’ve learned something from y’all: if he’d only concentrated on wearing underwear at all times instead of reading one too many steamy Harlequin American Political Romances, he might still be on Obama’s VP list.
This week I’m offering a $10 iTunes giftcard to the winner of Things That Must Go. I know ten bucks isn’t much, but I’ve already blown this week’s ad revenue on a Happy Meal for the kids. Plus, iTunes is cool, right? I only ask that you download Lenka’s The Show with part of your winnings. Just kidding. Leaving a comment with your Things That Must Go is the only thing you have to do. Well, really you only have to pay taxes and die. Or go to jail and die, or get signed up as a Conscientious Tax Objector and die. Leaving a comment is sounding better and better, huh?
But first, here’s the winner of the Nora Roberts/Joan Wickersham book giveaway (email me your address and which book you’d like!):
Scarehaircare: Skimpy bikinis. If you are stupid enough to wear them, I am not going to stop my daughter when she points and says loudly “Mom, look at that!” because she sees your bum before you can pull your bikini bottom back up after coming down the water slide. (The same thing goes for jeans that are too low to sit in properly.) I am all for allowing the children to say what we cannot, in all politeness, say.
And two Honorable Mentions, which were in no way influenced by nepotism:
Grampa: One other thing that has to go are popsicle bags that can’t be opened without a lethal weapon (knife, scissors). No clever use of fingernails, teeth, or brute stength can open them. They don’t even leak when the popsickle melts; the sticks float, and the “soup” tastes like Kool-Aid. Such bags have spread to candy bars, cookies, and crackers. Away with such unopenable bags. Yes.
Tom Johnson: -Dryers that sounds like German army tanks.
-Feelings of inadequacy for not keeping your kids 100% reverent during church.
-Leaving your real glasses in the car and instead wearing sunglasses all day and evening in the house, looking like a retard. Do I make fun of how you look in your clip-on sunglasses? 🙂
-People who think hacking someone’s site and bringing it down is funny.
-Loud, angry voices in any context — at home, church, in the car. (Well, if you’re driving alone it’s okay.)
-Floam. Sounds like a cool idea, until it’s time to clean it up.
And here are my Things That Must Go for this week:
1. To the Nice Man at the Gym: I know it seems strange that I’ve ventured into your territory of pulleys and benchpresses; I don’t like it any more than you do. But I hope we can learn to share this maze of equipment, which is why I’m asking you to please stop grunting. Please stop grunting. Please. I realize you’re lifting five thousand pounds and sweating and bursting at your muscle seams, but I cannot count to fifteen when you are grunting, grunting, grunting. What’s that? You didn’t catch that? You can’t hear anything, much less your own grunting, because you are listening to Coldplay on your iPod? Well, at least you have good taste in music. Just. Please stop grunting.
2. Fax machines. The Chinese gave us gunpowder and fireworks and smoggy Olympics. I’m sure we could pin the fax machine on them too. Seriously. Why can’t we just email and scan and email some more? Is it just me or are fax machines about as modern as a horse and buggy?
Now it’s your turn: what’s buggin’ this week? iTunes giveaway deadline is midnight Saturday.